When the Loved One Isn’t Human: Mourning Our Animal Friends

By Sara Engram

A friend once confessed to me that when his cat died, he grieved for months. Yet when his mother died a few years later, he seemed to recover much sooner.

He felt odd about that because he loved his mother deeply.

His mother lived in another city, and he had known for several months that she had a terminal illness, so her death was not a surprise.

Even so, he wondered whether his emotions were upside down. Did he care more about an animal than his mother?

We talked about it for a while, noting that his cat had been part of his daily routine for more than 15 years.

She had been with him through a marriage and a divorce. She was the stable point in his life when he changed apartments, careers, and cities. She was, in effect, his immediate family.

No wonder he grieved when she died.

His mother's death affected him in deeper and more significant ways. But the loss of his cat was something he noticed every day.

Her feline presence was woven into his daily routines. She was always there to welcome him home — and to make any place he lived feel more like home. When her presence vanished, the void was real.

If you’ve ever loved an animal, my friend’s story is no surprise. The grief we feel when they die can be intense and long-lasting.
And sometimes, as it was for my friend, that grief can even feel unsettling.

But it teaches us something about mortality.

If we’re open to it, the loss of an animal friend can help us learn to face human deaths as well — including our own.

For one, we are all born with expected lifespans, an average number of years for our species. And let’s face it, the lifespan of a dog or cat we love can seem even more absurdly short than our own.

Another lesson: Regardless of what seems like a clear injustice when lifespans were handed out, dogs and cats can teach us a lot about embracing the time we have.

Whether they greet us with an excited welcome every time we come through the door, enthusiastically check out every smell on a daily walk, or exude contentment as they curl up nearby, our animal friends know how to embrace the moment.

That is a good life lesson. It also helps explain the grief we feel when they die and leave a hole in our daily routines and also in our hearts.

So don’t expect the grief to be simple or quick because it’s “just a dog” or “just a cat.”

Grief for a non-human family member is valid and real.

It’s hard to come home and miss your dog’s joyful hello or your cat’s curious but welcoming stare. There’s no way around that hurt.

But as days pass, the hurt softens into an ache until the memories become part of you. One day, you’ll smile as you remember the joys of a wagging tail or a cozy purr.

Then, you might be able to consider that the pain of losing a four-legged companion is worth the rich rewards.

If you know that you might face that loss soon, or even if you hope that day is far in the future, take an extra moment to appreciate the time you are sharing now.

Animals can show unbounded love for us. They can also teach us important lessons, like how to celebrate the small pleasures of being alive despite our mortality and lifespans that are, by our measure, way too short.

I learned recently that “Martha My Dear,” a delightful song tucked away in The Beatles’ White Album, released in 1968, was Paul McCartney’s tribute to his Old English Sheepdog, Martha. She was his first pet as an adult.

Like many people, I assumed this catchy tune was about a former girlfriend, even though the lyrics seemed a bit goofy for describing a romance.

But no, Martha was his dog.

Listen to his tribute to that relationship and remember the joy your four-legged friends have brought to your life.

You can read more from Sara Engram here.

Sara Engram was for many years a columnist and editor for The Baltimore Sun and later a spice entrepreneur and early childhood educator. She now writes Mortal Matters, a free newsletter with reflections, inspiration and advice for coming to terms with death so that we can live with more joy and fewer regrets. You can read more from Sara here.

 

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